Hey friends, welcome back. I am so glad you are choosing to spend your time with me here in the space. I want to spend some time today just having a real, raw, and honest conversation… so bear with me.
These past several weeks have been pretty tough for me, emotionally. I will try not bore you with too many details, but a few are necessary to lead us down what I hope will be a redemptive rabbit trail today.
I just wrapped up my 14th year teaching and should be dancing on into summer break. Normally, I am beyond excited for summer and I sprint out my classroom door to my Jeep without looking back. I live for summertime because I am convinced that I am simply a better human when I have a tan!
But not this year… this year was unexpectedly a really emotionally heavy end to the school year for me. I teach middle school and the group of students that I had this year was kind of a quiet and closed off group. They did not really talk to me much at all and honestly, I didn’t even really think they liked me.
Until… one did…
And guys, this beautiful, precious, lost, broken child of God had the audacity to break my heart wide open and steal a massive piece of it. As we began to connect, I witnessed them began to smile a little bit more and they would seek out moments to chat with me. This sweet teenager chose to walk with me instead of their friends on many occasions because they told me that they felt seen, safe and simply wanted to share some of their story with me. Becoming that “person” for them was the highlight of my year, because I do not take it lightly when a young adult chooses to confide in me.
Guess what else this student of mine began doing… ending every day by hugging my neck. They would find me before they left for the day and squeeze me tightly. One day, this cherished child jogged across the gym to wrap me up in a hug before leaving for the weekend, and I heard them whisper in my ear, “Ms. Arndts, this is the best part of my day.” It broke me. Those words and that moment actually broke off a part of my heart… and then… they took it with them. Because last Tuesday was the end. No more hugs. No more chats. No more opportunities for me to encourage. Gone. Summer break. Promoted to high school.
Please don’t get me wrong, I am so excited for them. I am proud of them. I know that wherever they end up, God will take care of them. I am grateful for the connection we had and will forever be here cheering them on. However, I have been left with a giant, hollow, aching place in my heart and nothing left to do but make sure their precious name rattles around the hallway of Heaven forever.
As if that grief had not been enough to stifle some of my excitement, the other two teachers on my team are both leaving, one retiring and one moving states. I have taught side-by-side with these two incredible women for the past 10 years; therefore, trying to wrap my mind around doing it without them has been extremely tough. They are two of the best in the business and teaching without “my team” just won’t be the same. We all shared more tears and hugs than we could count and although they are going to both be forever friends of mine, I am grieving their departure in the deepest of ways.
Please do not misunderstand me, I am beyond excited for them both. I hope that the one enjoys every single second of retirement because she has most definitely earned it! The other is moving back home and gets to be closer to her family. It is such a blessing for her and my heart swells with love thinking about the joy she will find there.
With that said, the combination of all of this has been very bittersweet for me. I am happy for them all, but I am also hurting.
So, Friday afternoon, I sat in my empty classroom, praying once again for my now former student, and looking across the hallway at the two empty classrooms that housed my now former teammates, and I just didn’t know how I could find any words to share this weekend. I know it may seem silly to some of you that are not educators, but in my heart, these people are family. With the way my student stole a piece of my heart, they may as well have been my own child… and my teammates, well, they are like sisters to me.
Now, I know that I will regroup, and things will be fine by the time this next school year rolls, but right now I just feel like I am grieving a couple of major losses, and my heart simply hurts.
When I got home Friday, emotionally drained, I decided to jump into my kayak and paddle hard for some much-needed water therapy. I was talking to Jesus about how I just didn’t know how I could write this weekend. I was telling Him that I just did not think I could string any words together while my heart was feeling so hollow. Plus, I did not even know what to write about to begin with because I had been too busy rebuilding the walls around my hurting heart to actually listen to Him. I was letting God know that I was willing to sit this weekend out because it is a holiday and everyone is busy, so nobody will read it anyway. You know, having a real mature one-sided conversation that was just full of excuses and, still, very little listening.
I paused my little pity party just long enough to wipe a few tears and take a deep breath when the Holy Spirit reminded me about Ruth. I stopped paddling, looked up at toward Heaven with my eyebrows all scrunched up (because I am not too proud to admit I was confused) and said out loud… “Huh? Ruth? Like as in Boaz? God… my hurting heart is in no mood for a love story right now, try again, please… and, God, remember, I said that I could just sit this one out. I promise I don’t mind” …
But nope… God did not try again. I believe, now, after some digging, He got it right the first time. Shocker. ha! So, here we are. Ruth… here we come.
Now, the book of Ruth is a pretty familiar passage for many of us. It is short but crammed full of beauty, redemption, and love. There are so many aspects to this story that I would love to touch on, but for today we are going to talk about something maybe a little different. If you have your Bible and want to turn with me to the book of Ruth, please do, but you don’t that is totally fine because I am just going to walk us through it as I go.
The book of Ruth begins in verse 1 talking about a Jewish man, from Bethlehem, named Elimelech. He and his wife, Naomi, and their two sons moved from Bethlehem to a country called Moab.
This is where we have to pause already because after some digging, I realized this in and of itself was wild! So, Check this out… The word Bethlehem means “House of Bread” but at this point in history they were experiencing a famine in the land. Am I the only one that finds this a little ironic? Like literally the house of bread has no bread. Strange. Because of this, out of fear, they fled to Moab.
Now, Moab was absolutely not a place for Jew’s to go! This country was wicked and smothered in sin. They worshipped idols and had other gods. This particular tribe began in incest (this is a quite interesting side note so if you want to know more, please ask) and was not God’s favorite in any capacity. Matter of fact, in Deuteronomy 23:3, God actually said that Moabites were not allowed to enter the assembly of the Lord. Basically, this place was not a good place to run to for refuge.
After settling in Moab, Elimelech died leaving Naomi and her two sons. As a custom to the time, it was the duty of the sons to care for their mother. So, without really any other options, Naomi’s two boys marry Moabite women, one of which was a young woman named Ruth. Now, these two women were raised very differently than the boys. They worshipped different gods and had a completely different set of morals. This was not ideal, but given the situation they did not have a lot of options. However, ten years later both of Naomi’s sons also died. This left Naomi in a foreign land, alone, sad, broken, scared, and grieving like never before.
Have you ever been there… to your own version of Moab? A place you never thought you would be in. A place that fear could have driven you to, but you know you don’t belong there. Or a certain type of famine in your heart/mind led you there, because maybe it offered what you needed in the moment but does not sustain you for long… Maybe the pill you took to help with the pain became a prison that you have yet to escape from. The depression may have started as an afternoon nap, but now you can barely convince yourself to get out of bed… Have you ever looked up and realized that your situation is nothing like you thought it would be at this point in your life? … Moab… a desperate place… a hurting place… a strange place… a grief filled place…
Anyway, Naomi heard that the famine in Bethlehem was finally over. The fields were full again. There was a little bit of hope back home. So, she decided to take that long, hard journey back to where she had come from, but told her daughters-in-law to return to their fathers instead. Naomi knew that the girls had the best chance to remarry, and ultimately survive, if they went back to their own family. Naomi had no family left so she knew she could not provide for them. However, Ruth refused. She made a beautiful vow to Naomi in chapter 1 verses 16 &17 stating that she was not ever going to leave her.
So, these two, hurting, desperate, grief-filled women ventured back to Bethlehem which was a long and hard journey, across two rivers and I imagine some rough terrain. When they finally arrived back in Bethlehem, they had to be physically weary, emotionally exhausted, and appear quite disheveled. So, can you imagine how they felt (especially Naomi) when they are met with all of the women of the town just buzzing around in excitement?
I can picture Naomi walking up to her former friends, looking one step above death, with dirty tattered clothing, matted hair, and eyes that no longer twinkled but instead were encased in dark sunken circles. I can imagine these women all staring back at her in disbelief, because I imagine she has changed outwardly about as much as she has inwardly, with those judgy eyes that women sometimes use to cut like knife, and the question “Is it really Naomi?” on their lips (1:19). It is no wonder she snaps back at them. She is so tired, heartbroken, and upset by all that life has thrown at her that in verse 20 she basically says, no… do not call me that. Naomi (which means pleasant) is no longer my name; call me Mara (which means bitter)!
Have you ever felt like your situation defines you? Have you ever been hurting so badly that you don’t even want to be addressed by your own name because that is not who you are anymore? Have you ever walked through a season of your life that ultimately changed you at your core? Maybe the divorce was unplanned, and the destruction left behind a version of yourself that you don’t even recognize. The trauma is over, but the memories are still vivid… Maybe you just want to be left alone so you can suffer in silence. Maybe you want to run away and change your name… Don’t call me ____that_____, call me Mara because this _____ (pain/heartbreak/grief/depression/anxiety/etc.) _______ really freaking hurts and I am bitter about it!!
Now, what happens next is really why I think the Holy Spirit so boldly interrupted my paddling pity party and brought me here with Ruth. Because you see, Ruth was now the one that found herself in a foreign place. She never expected to be in Bethlehem, where they did not worship the little “g” gods, that she grew up with, but The God. She did not know a soul besides her self-diagnosed bitter mother-in-law. She did not know the traditions or laws of this region. Ruth was an outsider, but she was also poor because Naomi had nobody left to care for them. You know what else, Ruth was also still a widow and that means she was still grieving.
Ruth had every excuse there was to do nothing, to continue to go hungry, suffer beside Naomi, and give in to her grief. But instead, she decided to get to work. In chapter 2 verse 2, Ruth asked if she could go out to the barley fields and harvest any of the stalks that were left behind. She wanted to glean for grain in the fields so that she and Naomi could have something to eat.
This was a normal thing in that time period. Matter of fact, there was even a Levitical law (Leviticus 19:9) that stated when landowners would harvest their fields they were required to leave the grain around the edges and could not pick up anything that they dropped. This was all to be left specifically for the poor, widows, and foreigners so that they would have an opportunity to gather food as well. (How incredibly loving is our God?!) Ruth, well, she was more than qualified for this task because she was all of those things… poor, foreign and a widow. Her grief was real, and her heart was heavy.
However, she knew that in order to survive she was going to have to glean through the grief. Gleaning is a verb. It means to intentionally walk along the fields and gather up what was left over. Even if we don’t feel like it. Even if we don’t know how we ended up in “this” field or “that” field. We are supposed fix our eyes on the field in front of us and then focus on finding whatever is leftover that we can use.
The problem, in my opinion, is not that we have to put in the work to gather a harvest. I think the problem is that we sometimes glean the wrong things. We all are professional picker-uppers, and we walk along the fields of our lives gleaning for things, intentionally or not. Gathering a harvest and stuffing it into the pockets of our minds and then using it to feed whatever narrative it is that we choose.
The question is, what are we gleaning for? Do we glean for garbage or glean for gratitude? Do we pick up reasons to pout, or reasons to praise? Do we go around gathering gossip or gathering gladness? Are we walking through the fields of our lives harvesting hurt or harvesting happiness? Does our barley come full of blame or full of blessings? Do we look for reasons to loathe or reasons to love? Are we unintentionally walking through life gleaning for things like insecurities, negativity, criticism, and bitterness? Because if we are, now is the perfect time to stop picking out the problems in our lives and start pointing out the reasons to praise God instead. Or are we intentionally navigating the fields of our lives desperately gleaning for the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22) - love, joy. peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control? Because I am convinced that whatever it is that we decide to harvest is directly related to the health and happiness of our hearts.
With that said, we are human beings, so of course we have all the human emotions. We will have seasons and situations that cause us to feel hurt and even bitter. But many times, when we taste the bitterness of life, the sweetness is close by as well. We can have bittersweet experiences. But what aspect do we choose to focus on?
What I am saying is that we can be both grieving and grateful at the same time. We can have hearts that are hurting but also be happy simultaneously. But not if we won’t work for it. Harvesting the right fruit from our field is going to require intentional effort on our part. Sometimes we have to peer through our tears to find the treasure.
I am working on it myself. Right now… with eyes full of tears because I am worried about my former student and I am already missing my teammates. My heart is grieving but I am also grateful. Grateful for the opportunity to pour some of God’s love into my students, and I pray that they will feel it in the moments when they need it the most. I am so grateful for the decade’s worth of laughter, love, joy, and success I got to experience with my team. There are so many sweet blessings that came with this school year, and I am gleaning for the reasons to be grateful even through the grief that I feel.
So, I guess I just want to leave us all with something to ponder… As we go about our days and walk through the fields of our own lives, what sorts of things are we intentionally gleaning for? What are we picking up and carrying with us in hope that it will sustain us? Are we stuffing our hearts and minds full of the right kind of harvest, or are we picking up junk instead? Because chances are… we will find whatever it is that we are looking for… So, friends, let’s make sure we fix our focus on the Father of our field because He will help provide the harvest that will ultimately feed and fill us. Xoxo Megan 🩷
Prayer:
Heavenly Father, we come to you today just thanking you for a full harvest. God we all have times of famine in our hearts and minds, but you always bring the Bread back. As we go about harvesting our fields this week, we ask you to help us glean for reasons to be grateful. Lord, the enemy wants to distract us and convince us that our fields are bare, but we know better. We know that you love us, care for us, and will provide for us. So, help us to intentionally seek out the blessings you have placed within the barley, the goodness that lies within the grain, and the fruit that is waiting to be found within our field. Thank you for loving, caring, and providing for us the way you do. We love you. Amen.
God is your strength, Megan.
I can’t imagine how it feels to bond with students as an educator, year in, year out and have the leave, and then restart without another set.
Thank you for taking out time to put your experience and your chat with the Holy Spirit in writing for us to enjoy too.
It’s crazy that it seems easier to glean all the bitterness, disappointment, and feelings of not being heard than to look at all the blessings we have. There are so many things that we don’t even look at as blessings, we just take them for granted. Like we can’t see the forest for the trees. This was a great analogy. You put skin on Jesus for your student and I have no doubt you changed their life for the better. Give yourself a pat on the back.